One thing I have always considered myself to be is independent.
When my parents were going through their divorce when I was in high school, my Dad had moved out and my Mom was always over at her new boyfriend’s (now husband) house.
My brother is a year older than me, but had flunked a grade and was now a senior in high school with me. I’m not kidding when I say that he had parties at our house every single night “our” senior year, until my Mom and stepdad officially moved back in in February of that year.
I was trying hard a school, thinking about colleges, and working at Wendy’s fast food, and then I would come home and my brother would be cranking the music, and getting drunk with his buddies.
As you can imagine it was a very stressful time, but my greatest accomplishment was getting through that, and going to college where things got a lot better for me.
My brother continued to freeload off my parents and grandparents (of course it was their fault for enabling him), while I worked incredibly hard. I only lived at home six months after graduation while I was doing my internship, before I found my first apartment and never looked back.
There is so much more to the story, but the fact of the matter is, I don’t like asking for help, especially from my parents. It makes me feel like I’m my brother. That I “need” their help to live. That I’m not independent.
But I’ve come to realize that there is a time and a place and a way to ask for help.
For instance having my friends be my job evangelists, and spread the word that I’m looking for freelance work and/or full time job. And posting on FB that I was looking for a less expensive place to get my hair cut.
The hardest part is when it come to money. But in having conversations about all of this personal finance stuff with my Mom, she kept saying, “how can I help?” And “T.L. you promise if there is something you need you will just ask?”
I kept saying no, I’m fine and it will be OK.
But I had a change of heart when it came to yoga. I knew that I had no business signing up for a yoga studio when I’m starting close to the bottom in trying to save up an emergency fund. But at the same time, yoga is like my church. I only go about once a week, but I feel so incredible when I’m done. Relaxed, open, and calm. And man do I need those things right now!
So I reluctantly asked if she would help me with that, and she said yes.
She sent me $240 to pay for 20 classes, which if I go once a week, will last me five months.
And of course just this past week I wrote my landlord to see if he could take any money off my rent, and to my absolute surprise he did.
My next step is to add a little to my freelancing rate. Again not easy as I’ve always had the fear that I will get passed by because I’d be too expensive. But you never know unless you ask, right?
Where do you stand on asking for help? Is it easy or hard for you? In what ways have you asked for help?
Budget & the Beach 
I used to feel the same way about asking for help, but since I gladly and freely help others as much as possible, I like to think that they are giving me something in return for my efforts. I know what you mean about feeling bad though because I’ve always been independent too…divorced parents, I’ve always been alone, and there’s a huge age gap between my bro and sis, so I hate asking for money. I’ve come to the point where I am not afraid to ask my parents for money anymore, but I don’t do it often. Most of the time they say yes!
I think they key is picking and choosing your battles. If you are responsible in every other way and sometimes find yourself in a jam, then I think it’s OK. With my brother it was a different story. I would never do what he did. And to top it off, he never even appreciated it.
It’s always been hard for me to ask for help. I’ll gladly give any help I can but asking for it is just hard. I had a situation once where I was just starting a new job, a check hadn’t come in and I was $50 short of rent. I had to ask my mom for help and it was extremely hard but well worth it. She gave me $100 and some much needed groceries. And a lecture of asking for help is okay.
ha ha! Yeah, just the asking part is hard. Sometimes it’s surprising how easily people sometimes say yes. Always worth the try, right?
It’s a grown-up thing to be independent, but it takes a real adult to know to ask for help. Good for you.
That’s a good thought! Thanks!
I was lucky to grow up in a steady household, but I always strived to be independent and break free from my parents. While many of my friends stayed at home and went to a local university, I knew I wanted to go away and really be independent.
In school I was a nerd (still am, kinda haha) and it was usually everyone asking me for help. But when I got to university, it was a whole different ball game, I felt dumb and almost embarrassed to ask for help because everyone seemed to know the answer. Hence, not doing so well the first couple of years. I swallowed my pride, started to ask for help from profs, TAs and fellow students and eventually the marks got better.
Now that I am looking for a house, my parents have offered to help financially, but I turned them down because I want to do it on my own. But it’s nice knowing that they’re always there for me and willing to help out no matter what.
In short, it’s often hard for me to ask for help, because I always want to try and see if I can do it myself. But obviously there’s nothing wrong with asking for it. We all need it for certain things.
I think it’s always good to try it on your own. It’s nice to know you have a back up plan just in case, but I know what you mean in that you probably don’t want to rely on that. Good luck with the home!
This sounds familiar, ’cause it sounds like we had the exact same life in our graduating years. Except my brother just didn’t graduate.
I don’t ask for help, ever. I used to to my dad sometimes, but it just caused him hardship so I stopped. I’ve always tried to be self sufficient but sometimes, it’s just not easy and you DO need help. Good for you for accepting it.
Well my brother still didn’t even graduate with me…it actually took him some time after I already graduated. He didn’t even come to my high school or college graduation. I’m sure we could both go on for days about our brothers.
Good for you for doing that. We all need something to help us get through the hardships and it sounds like yoga really does that for you. Asking for help for me can be so difficult because of the whole pride thing. I have learned that holding on to pride sometimes can be more damaging to yourself than just asking for a little assistance now and then.
You’re so right! And yes, yoga is really, really helpful. I should really be doing MORE often than I am, but once a week is reasonable with all the other stuff I’m doing.
I’m like you and pride myself in being independent. I hate asking for help, but I’ve been getting better at recognizing when I do actually need help and that it’s ok to ask for help sometimes. But for financial things I’ve always been very stubborn and hate asking for money, but when it came down to me affording to pay for my last year of school and my grad film, I had to ask my parents for help and I’m glad I did because instead of $10,000 of debt I only graduated with $5,000 of debt.
Glad to hear they helped you out. Yeah again I think if you show you are a responsible person, and also why you could use it, it doesn’t hurt to ask. But again I know it’s hard.
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